Today was one of those days.
One of those days I seem to be having a lot of, lately.
I’m not sure if it’s my age, the phase of the moon, my stage in life, the economy, the barometric pressure, or the fact that it’s fall. Whatever “it” is, “it” is making me feel draggy, negative and not-very-fun. I truly think I’d really enjoy snuggling into a nice pair of warm jammies, climbing into my bed with my fluffy down comforter, and taking a nap. For about a month.
While I’m napping, I’d appreciate it if everyone could: a)keep up with their schoolwork, b) help keep the house clean, and c) refrain from making any major changes, except of course for the ones that are making me so debilitated as I’m doing my best to wait for them to finally happen. As Glinda, my favorite musical character, would say, “I’m exhaustified.”
Today as I was thinking about this uncomfortable feeling, it struck me . . . perhaps this feeling . . . this pervasive disappointment in so many things in my life . . . is more than just ennui or boredom or even frustration. Perhaps it’s not just something I need to repent of, or something that indicates I should change my attitude, or something I need to hide from my fellow homeschooling moms who will surely be disappointed in me and discouraged about their own lives if I share about my down days. Perhaps–just maybe–God allows disappointment to a greater degree than any of us usually feel comfortable talking about because He wants us to long for heaven.
At the MomHeart Training Intensive, Sally Clarkson told us about a woman she met some time ago who seemed to have it all. Her home was beautiful; perfectly appointed, perfectly cleaned. A lovely meal was served. From the back patio, a view of gardens and pastures was laid out before the admiring guests. The woman made it clear that the family rarely left their home, preferring to stay within their own world of sorts. But, Sally shared, something felt “wrong” to her about the whole situation. And after a bit more conversing with the family, she knew what it was . . . the woman had created her own little kingdom on earth. I got the feeling from hearing the story that that lucky(?) lady probably didn’t think about heaven very much.
Now, try as I might, my own little kingdom on earth keeps eluding me. Chalk it up to poor management skills, too little patience, or just flat-out too many people wanting to eat, learn and wear clothes in one 2,000 sq ft space–for whichever reason one can pull out of a hat, I just can’t seem to get this place looking like my castle in the air. But I’m starting to think that’s part of the plan. Living in imperfection and stress and disappointment makes me remember that I need Jesus.
I hunger and thirst for righteousness.
And clean floors.
And more important things, like obedient, godly children and a vibrant, exemplary marriage.
But I will not give up.
Because I have an example to follow . . . Heb. 12:2 says, “Jesus, for the joy set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame . . . ”
“Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
I need to learn to let my disappointment in this world serve to send me to the arms of my Father. Rather than becoming overwhelmed with navel-gazing and fussing and wondering what I’m doing wrong and what everyone else is doing wrong and the multitudinous list of things I need to do to “fix” everything, I need to remember . . . earth is not my home. Nothing will be perfect until I’m there.
And He likes it that way.